The new Guns and Patriots sub-newsletter of Human Events is out and there is a delightfully silly article by Jennifer Kendell entitled “Illegal Immmigrants are Career Criminals.”. It’s basically another poorly reasoned argument against any sort of amnesty for illegal immigrants and for stationing more troops at the southern border. This time, it’s backed up by Kendell’s interview with an anonymous Border Patrol agent.

The article starts with the typically dubious claims about immigration, to wit:
“Many agree that illegal immigration directly correlates to the lack of jobs available, high medical costs, overpopulated prisons, poor education, congested freeways and higher crime rates.” I’m sure “many” Tea Baggers “agree” with these claims, but I’m not sure that the facts do. For example, the conservative Cato Institute-among many others-has shown that immigration, legal or otherwise, increases the number of jobs available in the U.S. This makes sense when you think about it, as anybody living and working in America is going to spend money and help grow the economy.

The high crime rates argument has been a key part of the debate down in Arizona (and nationwide) concerning that state’s new anti-illegal immigration legislation. The murder of a prominent rancher by members of a Mexican drug cartel (note: NOT immigrants seeking jobs) had whipped many Arizonans into a Mexi-phobic frenzy. The brown-skins are coming and they are a’rapin, murder’n and pillag’n! It’s perhaps unfortunate for those that like to be frightened, that the cities with the lowest crime rates in America are all either on the border or in Border states.

The Border Agent interviewed by Kendell does make a differentiation between immigrants of opportunity and the more criminally minded. A welcome distinction I might add, in a conservative rag where it’s far more common to lump all border crossers into the same “illegal” bin.

““There are a certain amount of people in the group that are just looking for a better life. They’re hardworking people and they are coming here to do what people have done for many, many years, come here for opportunity. But there’s also a certain amount of those people that are career criminals, you know… they’re trying to manipulate the system. They just come here and break laws, not pay taxes, and benefit from all the public programs and that type of stuff.”

The evidence certainly seems to show that the group that comes to the U.S. looking for a better life is far larger than the group that comes looking for trouble. Still, there is a valid point in looking at those that are poor residents. Why should American citizens (and even hardworking, otherwise law abiding “illegals”) have to pay for the Medical care of some drug runner? Why should they have to deal with a drunken illegal on the road, with no license and no insurance? While the threats from such persons are indeed overblown in conservative rhetoric, they do exist and if they are preventable, then by all means, let’s prevent them.

So just what does Kendall propose that we do to prevent criminal activities by illegal immigrants? Her Border Patrol interviewee suggests that we crack down on U.S. employers that use illegals, increase internal checkpoints (essentially what the Arizona law does), station military troops and the border and stay away from granting any sort of Amnesty as it will only attract “more illegal aliens and more crime.”

I have a better idea. Grant amnesty to all current illegal residents and reap the substantial economic benefits this would provide the economy. Open immigration so that there is no quota. Make the only limitation an ability to pass a Department of Homeland Security background check.

This is the antithesis of the conservative view, but it would actually achieve many conservative goals. It would provide for safer roads by allowing immigrant to obtain driver’s licenses and insurance. It would boost the economy by creating jobs and by generating tax revenue. It would decrease the number of jobs available to immigrants by raising their wages to the minimum (making their labor more expensive) and thus eventually decrease the flow of immigrants across the border (you’re welcome you angry white xenophobes!).

It would allow us to take a Tea Bagger satisfyingly hard line stance on crimes committed by immigrants. If we let you in and you get a DUI, you’re banned. If you commit a violent crime, banned. If we catch you crossing the border after you’re banned, you’re in prison. And we would catch you, because once immigration is open, anyone trying to cross the border can be safely assumed to be a dangerous person. It would make the job of the border control easier, but painting big, broad targets anyone they see crossing the border. Isn’t that exactly what conservatives want? Well, that, and no more brown people showing up that speak a different language and look funny. You can’t win them all.